i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Randomize
