he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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