I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
so tomorrow. i'm thinking coinstar then adderall?
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Randomize
