Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
Randomize
