Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
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