we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
