i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
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