how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize
