got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
Randomize
