Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
we're making bets on your personal life
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
Randomize
