Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
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