I'm laying in your front yard are you home
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Randomize
