I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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