Soap is not a condiment
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
Nobody cheats on THIS.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
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