Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
