All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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