I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
