I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Randomize
