i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
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