I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
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