i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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