i already hear my dad disowning me
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
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