I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
