Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
This ginger kid smells like a queef popsicle
you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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