It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
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