i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
