I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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