and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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