Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Randomize
