Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
Do you think there are girls out there that really do like small penis?
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
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