just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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