U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Randomize
