I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Randomize
