when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
