I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
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