Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
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