I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
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