i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
