I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
