captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
