Bc you can definitely buy condoms if ur a 14 year old girl
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
Randomize
