My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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