i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
Randomize
