kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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