Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
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