so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
Randomize
