Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
Randomize
