Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
All I want is dick and wine.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
Randomize
