who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
