Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
