I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
