Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
