finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
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